母亲节快乐

Dear mom, let me count the ways I love thee:

Well first of all, kudos on all that anti-ageing products - you are the apotheosis of a MILF and you've got a beautiful rack (sadly enough I wasn't able to inherit), your ass looks great in those Versace jeans and damn, your legs are still slender! 

You smell wonderful: like laundry. Comforting, clean, hot and slightly electrified, like warm wiring. You are so ridiculously girly sometimes that it's adorable.

In my eyes you were always a savant - you single-handedly defeated the stereotype of a conservative Asian mother. You were talented, beautiful, and kind-hearted. I was proud to be your flesh and bones, though I only have meager thin talents and your selfless love. Even though you violently objected to my tattoos (I'm sorry I never listened, I was selfish, went ahead and broke your heart) you accepted them as one of my life choices and only gave sound advice about how it could potential affect my future career in an Asian society. 

You would place your gentle fingertips upon my face as I weep my failures and insecurities. You would kiss me on the forehead and tell me it's ok, I gave my best shot, it was my best effort - there is no need to be sad, it is over and you've exhausted all that you've got.

When I fell prey to helpless chemistry, you taught me my body was young and it was not wrong, but I had to protect myself. Because my heart is unreliable and so were their promises of love.

You cheer me on when I fell out of love, your feminist pep talks peppered jokingly with death threats for said ex. When I struggled with insurmountable phases of depression you were patient, you took time out of your schedule to hear my weak whispers. When I ricocheted back into the mania phrases, grew irritable and rude at you, you never said a single harsh word - but spoke in a soothing voice to calm me down or negate communication when I am less snappy. 

I was diffident and insecure as a child and even until today, I am not fully cured - yet you patiently spent the last decade feeding me as much love as you could, telling me as much as possible how beautiful and intelligent I am before occasionally joking about boob jobs; I remember how you use to peek down my t-shirt every time I return to Taiwan for school vacation and ponder loudly why my tits never grow.

I am endlessly amazed at how you handled me so well: I was a dissident child of many tempers and tantrums. I disappoint you constantly; academics were never my forte, even if it was my passion. I had a knack of getting into brushes with the law, and I still remember the near expulsion from school due to a two-month absence. I was a wild rebel, I went crazy with body modification and shopping, I drank and smoked - your only advice was that I do so in moderation.

Never once did your fortitude waver during the battle for finances and the custody of my brother and I. You were always so brave, so strong, you're almost infallible. 

I am a capricious person, yet you were able to catch up with my fickleness. Basically I have an almost never-ending list of personal flaws and past mistakes, yet not a single time did you judge or pick fights with my incompetence. I can be incredibly frustrating, but somehow you always knew the right words to say.

Only you alone have the complete subjugation of my temper, when others balked and bailed. It was difficult to love someone like me, but you did it anyway, without complaining.

I envy your equanimity. I envied how successful you are. I envied your strength through the divorce, running the gauntlet of raising two kids on overseas education - single-handedly - what fascinated me even more was your ability to be civil towards your ex-husband, who was a vermin that not only cheated on you but laid hands on you. His acts barely demanded a shred of respect from me, but you would beg me not to be unkind to him, whether I like it or not, he will always be my father. 

Age was beginning to catch up on you, and you weren't too many years away from the big 5. 

I could hear your ailing health through the phone, the guttural wheezing, the unpalatable taste of menopause's imminent arrival; then there were cysts, heart palpilations, flus that spanned a 2 week recovery time slot... 

Your already petite frame needed no more whittling down, but your all-consuming career left you trading your health for money. For us. For me, the pathetic daughter who rarely did you proud.

I didn't realize that I've been watching the cruel motion of time wipe you to dust, weathering your beauty, weakening you. My words were left abandoned in silences and pauses: I never know what to say that can save you from time, I am helpless and useless. I just wanted to do you proud and see you smile. 

I have fallen between the lines of sanity and dreams, but you were the only angel that kept me away from death's door, though I have very nearly attempted - again. I remembered the tears in your eyes when you told me I was so fucking selfish to leave you behind. You were right. I feel so unworthy and undeserving of your grace and love. I think you're even better than Jesus

I missed how you used to dandle me in your arms while we watch cheesy drama series on TV - I've always found that show ridic but you love how it's "brainless" and I would just watch with you anyway. (Then after that call grandma and discuss the episode with her!!!) 

I miss how you would make me buy you your daily Cappucino from Starbucks in the icy weather. I miss how you trusted my fashion sense and frequently embarked on shopping sprees and made me your stylist.

I miss how you routinely cosseted my digestive system with your ambrosial cooking (at my beck and call - as long as you're awake!)

I love our diurnal BBMs, and how you would forward me silly chain letters or emails with corny Chinese jokes. I love the way you mangle the English language, it always cracks me up. I love how I'm always the cynosure of your heart and mind. I love how when my brother is being an asshole you'd whine and complain to me like an 8 year old who accidentally dropped her ice cream cone on the pavement.

I honestly love, admire, and respect how you treated me like an adult through the juvenile things I've done: the way you tried to make parenting work over 4500 miles of oceans, how you tried to show me parental love because I was so alone in this country. 

I love how whenever I tried to dissimulate negative feelings you were able to spot them with unusual acuity and made me talk - you know I've had an awful habit of bottling up so much pain that they eventually disfigure me. 

My mother's quirky sense of humour often had me convulsing in giggles on the public transport. Alone. But it's worth the embarrassment. :')

I love how once, when we Skyped, you tried to feed me sushi through the webcam. Priceless

You chase the blackness out of my heart, loved every fiber of my being and luxuriated each given chance to embed optimism in my heart. You're like an encouraging friend who always has faith in you, but with the devotedness only a mother could effectuate. 

You were like a spring day, all soft winds and delicate smells of the weather, bringing joy where ever you go.

You are more trustworthy than my emergency tampons, my anchor to stay alive in this realm of cruelty and misery. You are more supportive than any push-up bra I've ever owned, and I am grateful that you respect my love for the arts and fashion, even though you could easily demanded I study in a business school/similarly boring academic courses.

What I love the most is how you respected my feelings. So much. My feelings, dreams, wishes... You are everything anyone could ever ask for. 

Thank you for being dad and mom at the same time, for working 12 hour shifts to provide a comfortable lifestyle for us, thank you for being my mama. I'll never trade you for anything/anybody in this universe. But most of all: thank you for being so patient and forgiving through these turbulent times. 

I love you, ma. 

You know I'll never say this to you face-to-face because I generally prefer to profess my love with actions rather than um cheesy affectionate lines like this... 

Hope everybody pampered their moms today - And if you are clueless about the origins of Mother's Day, click here.