Musings

I grew up in a religious environment. My guardian was a devout Buddhist. As a child, I remember hearing repeated chantings from her room as she prayed every night, the eerie red glow of the lotus lamps on the altar I passed by every night when I woke up to pee, the heavy smell of incense that permeated my school uniforms. I was made to watch educational cartoons about the enlightenment of Buddha growing up, or children's books depicting the seven hells I would go to for each sin I commit in my life and, or how I could possibly reincarnate as a fly or elephant in the Circle of Life.

I attended an all-girls' Catholic junior high school: I knew the Holy Father prayer by heart, I could sign all the hymns, I knew how to recite the rosary and how to take a Communion. I've even attended a few of my friends' Confirmations.

Mid-way through my growing years I got involved in a charismatic church, bursting with the energy of youths my age, all on fire for God and Jesus, where instead of organs there was drum sets and electric guitars in praise and worship, where instead of solemn singing there was merrymaking and clapping. I was blessed by the Holy Spirit and I could speak in 'tongues', which until today still sounded like gibberish to me.
By the time I was in high school I fell in love with liquor, drugs and night clubs. The politics, the sheltered life and restrictiveness of church was beginning to suffocate me, and I turned my back on Christ.

In the summer of 2011, I returned to my home in Taipei, and I fell in love with a boy who dreamed of becoming a pastor, so back to the Bible I went—but as soon as our romance fell apart, so did my 'faith'.

I would like to believe myself to be an agnostic—the dictionary defined it as "a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena..."
More or less, I decided I didn't want to subscribe to a single religion.
Perhaps I was disgusted by how God's "people" behaved, as further illustrated by the latest City Harvest Church scandal that imploded all over my Facebook and Twitter. I was hardly surprised.

I do enjoy reading the Bible; although I disagreed with many of its sayings, most prominently their anti-homosexual stance and basically anti- the lifestyle I was living: alcohol, cigarettes, casual sex, and my other hedonistic ventures. Also, how people who do not believe in their God all go to hell. Ha.

Those of you who knew me well or long readers of my blog would've noticed I pretty much live by the motto "you only have one life, so live it and enjoy the fuck out of yourself while you're at it".

“Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?” (1 Corinthians 3:16)

“If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.” (1 Corinthians 3:17)

As many of you know I'm rather heavily tattooed. I used to have several piercings that I outgrew in later years, but I still kept my tongue stud. Someone offered these two verses from the Bible to me one day, and I choked on my banana milkshake.

My body is hardly a temple. My body is a fucking carnival. I want to have fun with it. I've suffered many near-death experiences, undeniably it's of my own foolish doing; also, I've gone through the untimely deaths of several young friends in my short life time, and those cold funerals only reminded me so sharply of how fragile mortality is. Like a kid squashing an ant to death with his thumb.

When I've finally surfaced the dark waters of suicidal tendencies and inhaled the oxygen of life, I have decided to live my life to the fullest. Not the YOLO way though, of doing dumb things to get yourself killed. But to experience life, the wonders and ugliness it could partake. To indulge in pleasures. To indulge in my whims, may it be to satisfy my craving for a big fat steak or to saturate my liver with liquor.

Religion to me has always been like Santa Claus for adults: it gives us hope and faith when we are lost. Also, because science does not explain the intricacies of life and other phenomenas, which is why I chose to be agnostic instead of an atheist. I guess somewhere deep down in my soul, I want to believe I have a Heavenly Father watching over me the way my biological father never did. The way I wished my life was really planned out by a being that lives in the sky, that I had nothing to worry about.

I guess I find comfort in religion, all of them: and I reject the notion of being subscribed to a single one.

Also, on the note of the CHC scandal: do not let hate blind your heart and eyes. Not all Christians are such hypocritical, money guzzling gluttons, though I will admit this revelation could've only been the tip of an iceberg.
Religions in general wishes to guide humanity onto the path of goodwill and righteousness, and the openness of the Bible only led to several different interpretations.

Okay end rant. Don't know how to round up this blog post nicely. Bleagh. Here's a photo of a cute sleeping kitten to end it. (I don't know if it will appear at the bottom or not I'm blogging with my iPhone!)