The clouds thundered with grief. The hospital appeared more intimidating than ever as my taxi slows down. I hand him a few crumpled bills and told him to keep the change. My stomach churned nervously as I stumbled out of the vehicle, reeking of last night's whisky. He would've wanted me to be drunk at his funeral, I thought to myself. He was one hell of an alcoholic as well - if not worse than I am.
Ding. The elevator doors wobbled open, revealing a car park. A left turn brought me to where I was supposed to be: his funeral. The atmosphere was thick with the sadness of a life ended early. An episode of weeping wells out of nowhere, threatening to drown out the strident tone of wailing Chinese orchestra.
Will the friends of ______ who wish to pay their last respects to him come forward? Especially those who have just arrived! Her voice boomed over the collective murmur of sobbing. She sounded like a bored saleswoman in the supermarket trying to sell a kitchen knife that could cut through the Yellow Pages.
I tugged at my companion's sleeve and we walked into the little room. The female speaker told us what to do. Bow to the deceased. Bow to the deceased family. Give them the incense stick. I stared blankly at your photo. The first time I saw it I laughed. Since when do you ever look that prudish? There was a lot more talking from the microphone, but to me it sounded like the thunder. It was just dull hum to me.
The scent of decay was hardly a smell after all, the undertakers did conceal it. We followed the meandering crowd to the coffin. It was an open casket; not the kind where there's a glass partition and you're separated from the dead. There was no glass. I didn't want to look. I felt my heart sink into my stomach, my throat tightened. My physical body was tense. I was afraid to say good bye. I was terrified of accepting the fact that he was gone.
He laid there in the soft, white velvet of the coffin, his favourite shirts and glasses folded neatly beside him, framed by carefully arranged lilies. His face swelled up like a balloon; I suppose it is normal for bodies to balloon post-mortem, but his case was slightly severe. A genuine sadness dug into my chest and plowed away the numbness and apathy I felt during the last two weeks. People around me began to cry, each sob echoed like cathedral bells.
I cracked. I refused to wail. I just let the tears well up in my ears and blink, so they roll down my cheeks. I will be dignified, because isn't that what I've always told you to be? Keep your emotions in check. I wished I could just haul you from the coffin and punch you right in the stomach and cuss at you for breaking all of our hearts. I was suddenly acutely reminded of my own mortality. This is life. Fragile at best.
I tried to swallow the regrets and rage filtering through my head, because I knew no matter what, I couldn't have done anything to alter the ending of this tragedy. He's dead. He can't come back to life. Regrets only served as your own prison of guilt.
The same female speaker announced that the body will now be taken away for cremation, and only family are allowed to go along. I didn't want to watch him go. I squeezed my eyes shut so tight I thought they'd bleed or get sucked back into my skull but instead tears spilled out. When I opened my eyes again the coffin was loaded onto the van; a family member, presumably her sister, was inconsolable; she was incoherent in between howling, questioning her beloved brother, why did he take his life and not shared his problems with his family? Why had he chosen this path? Morose faces turned to her as she wailed, pity shining in the tracks their tears had left. Her friends ushered her into the van; his parents slowly embarked the vehicle, disbelief still ringing in their eyes.
Memories of him conscious and well danced into my mind. They were clear as day. I submerged myself in the crowd, occasionally nodding at an acquaintance or two. Ding! The elevator arrived and I dragged my feet in, robotically jabbing the ground level button.
And so, another chapter in my life... has closed. Another friend lost. But... remembered. I'll remember the warmth of your smile and your laughter. How much you saw us as your family. How much you treasured us, how much you didn't want to leave us but you were so alone and scared. Silly boy. I hope you're happier - where ever you are.
Till the next time we meet. x
RIP 01.05.12
RIP.
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