But first, let's understand a heart break - from a scientific point of view.
The feeling of being heart broken is incredibly overwhelming. Your whole body shakes and sighs at memories of him/her, the agony makes you feel as if you'd never be whole again.
So you drink. You drug yourself. You watch tv. You consume a year's supply worth of chocolates. But these only distract the thoughts, and after you're done with them life cruelly kicks you in your ass right back to square one.
A huge part of your heart break is actually the "fight or flight" reaction your body has. Your body is unable to differentiate between a real threat and imaginary ones (like your break up), and all the emotions you feel reacts to it in a very primal way.
Now we understand why feeling heart broken isn't just that dull ache in your chest.
Scientifically, a broken heart is known as takotsubo cardiomyopathy - which incidentally, mimicks symptoms of heart attack: shortness of breath, a painful squeezing in the chest, and gushing stress hormones. (can't believe the amount of shit you can be diagnosed for - more to come on how our generation tries to medicate every single naturally-occurring "ailments" in our life in the next blog post)
These are remedies I have found to be useful in the last 5 years of my dating life:
1. Buy a bath tub
Seriously. Floating around in a bubble bath does your mood wonders - plus points if you have champers and some nice music. Optional: a fleet of rubber duckies, candles, waterproof vibrator, your laptop, a new guy
2. Borrow your brother's speakers. Or the ones that come with your television. Either that, get a pair of really good head phones - pamper yourself!
Play all the saddest fucking break up songs you can find on YouTube. Either blast it or use headphones. Also, if you are at the anger stage of your post break-up life, try listening to something hardcore to get all that rage out of you instead of punching your ex's face in! (as we grow older, it is inevitable that lawsuits will follow if you behave irrationally, as I have discovered, though I'm still proudly sue-free)
3. Watch South Park. Or Jersey Shore. Read 9gag the way a priest reads a Bible. Watch cute videos of kittens all day on YouTube. (It's Caturday every day!)
Damn, the first two suggestions make me feel like Albert Einstein. Also, they crack me up. The rest is just for fun.
Laughter relaxes your whole body, relieving physical tension and stress; it boosts the immune system by decreasing stress hormones and increasing immune cells + infection-fighting antibodies; it triggers the release of endorphins, your body's natural feel-good chemicals, promoting an overall sense of well-being; last but not least, it improves the function of blood vessels, increasing blood flow, in turn protecting you against heart attacks!
Mentally, it dissolves your distressing emotions - I mean, it is practically impossible to feel anxious while you're laughing! It shifts your perspective as well, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less-threatening light, creating psychological distance, which helps in avoiding the feeling of being overwhelmed.
4. Chain smoke
Okay, this is a really bad idea but hey, I find nicotine and tar in my system blots out the melancholia of losing a boyfriend.
5. Exercise! Run, do yoga, have sex, take the stairs, play soccer, whatever you fancy.
It is a well-known fact that exercising produces endorphins - cardiovascular exercises actually, to be specific. You might need to jog all that weight off from carbicide/emotional binge eating anyway, might as well.
6. Start a new project. Get a new focus in life.
What you need now is to cast away your past. He/she is an Ex. That means they no longer exist in your life. Your life has now opened up to a whole new chapter!
7. Cut your hair (at your own risk!)
Hair can be a deeply emotional topic for women, especially if it concerns loss of health, freedom, or sexual identity.
Freud famously suggested that catharsis - in the form of emotional discharge - could benefit people by helping them to "empty" themselves of repressed emotions, in the way one would drain a bath tub.
As a cleansing or figurative act of purification, it is actually an ancient practice conducted worldwide through a myriad of different methods through healing rituals, exorcism, confession etcetc.
A break up hair cut marks a startling change in appearance; it's like a declaration of personal independence. To me, it felt like I was taking a needed step to change in my life and not just my appearance, though snipping off those lovely locks was something I held close for a long time and was unbearably painful.
It gives a sense of fresh start and confidence in many, and it embodies the phrase "shedding the old" and henceforth in with the new! ... If you think you look good with long hair, you'd be fine with just snipping off a few inches - no need to go up to chin length like I did! (I'm dramatic like that soz)
8. Whine about it to your family and friends - if you don't have any or you don't feel you can confide in them, try talking to a stuffed toy. Or yourself. Works both ways.
If you have had the amazing people I have in my life, they'd be willing to offer a listening ear. When I feel embarrassed about bothering them, I rant about my ex to my stuffed toy Charlie. (Yeah I'm 20 and my stuffed toys still have names. I'm never growing up!)
9. Stop analyzing or thinking about the Ex. Remove all traces of him/her from your life!
You can't fully get over someone if you want to "remain friends" with them, especially if you're the one that got dumped! Unless you're godlike as I am, remaining friends isn't an option. Because you will start to anaylze his every platonic move towards you as if he is sending you love notes in Morse code. Don't torture yourself, you're better than that.
Flick him/her out of your life the way you would flick an ant off your arm. Destroy (if you're sentimental like me, hide related paraphernalia for extended periods of time) his/her belongings: ticket stubs, t-shirts, love letters, photographs together... Deleting the Ex from Facebook/Twitter/other networking sites are totally optional.
10. Knit a scarf.
Really.
11. Accept that the relationship has failed. And then move on.
Don't berate yourself. Don't blame him for cheating. Don't blame yourself for letting him find out you cheated. Don't blame his quack of a mother. (I do. Sorry, she was one hell of a cunt and caused me a lot of problems between my own mother and I) Don't think about what you could've done, the what-if's.
Last of all, don't regret. Because though now you've looked back, back then, it was what you wanted. Now it wasn't. So you can't lie to yourself that you've never loved him/her or liked him/her etcetc. Accept it.
Move on. Wish him/her well. If you still love him/her, let go - you don't have to "own" or be together with a person to love them.
The most important thing is... give yourself time to be single. Enjoy your own company. Enjoy long walks with yourself, try doing something new that you haven't been able to experiment with your Ex around. Do things your Ex hates. (lol sorry I'm a spiteful little girl, I hate it when I'm restricted from doing something just because my significant other dislikes it)
Learn to love life again. Treasure your family and friends, thank them for sticking with you when your relationship fell apart.
The most important lesson: don't be afraid to love again. x
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