I am writing to inform you that you've been revoked of your status as my close friend. However, that is not all the news I have to bring to you.
I would like to cordially invite you into a relationship with me, henceforth upgrading your title to boyfriend. Congratulations!
However, there are a few issues I need to address before you embark on this perilous chapter of your life: I am not an easy girlfriend to please.
Here you will find attached, your progress report so far:
- Wiping my tears away +1
- Absence of colour coordination and knowledge in fashion styling -1
- Your tendency to mangle the English language -1
- Paying for my meals against my will +1
- Failure to upset me so far +1
- Pwning my ass in snooker +1
- Pwning my ass in almost every other arcade game... +1
- ... and being extremely smug about it +1
- Lack of intense interest in conquering my girly bits +1
- Showing up at my door step with chocolate +1
- Informing me that you have noticed my absence fondly +1
- Not being relatively interested in pre-marital sex -1
- Acquiring mad French kissing skills and excellent sportmanship in display +1
- Ferrying me around on a vehicle that requires a motor license +1
- Unleashing the L bomb so early in the relationship +1
- Fighting the jaws of sleep to keep up with my insomnia +1
- For shamelessly answering to the nickname of handsome boy +1
- The act of lifting burden off my shoulders +1
- Excellent portrayal of a tour guide +1
- Composition of romantic, mushy texts +1
- Valiant efforts on the battle field when concerning thumb wrestling +1
- Obnoxious habit of nibbling the tip of my nose +1
- Granting me permission to exercise my rights to fondly caress your extra weight +1
- Incessant biblical lectures -1
- Reducing my hours of slumber on Sunday mornings to attend religious gatherings -1
- Attempt to integrate me into a cell group -1
- Withholding information from your parent regarding the nature of our relationship -1
- Lack of willingness to engage in first conversation of the day with me -1
- Narrow library of music -1
- Intention to quit carcinogenic therapy -1
- Blatant lack of alcohol appreciation -1
- Basic acceptance of alcohol even as a conservative person +1
- Ability to embrace my body modifications +1
- Constant compliments on my facial features +1
- Frequent encouragement to reject cosmetic beauty +1
- Healthy exchange of sarcasm and lame jokes in daily conversation +1
- Authentic appreciation of my sense of humour +1
Conclusion: general performance has reached beyond my expectations. Extremely impressive, considering a fairly disappointing resume, unsatisfactory social status and estimated lack of common interests.
I hope you accept my promotion and eventually, publicize it on Facebook because I am no longer interested in seeing other people. I would be pleased if you would make haste in accepting this partnership proposal.
I would suggest we enter this without the stifling boundaries of a contract, as the binding rules could cause several hiccups such as disappointments, disagreements and other general negativity that could potentially be harmful.
I am looking forward to enjoying several months of my life and jacking up levels of oxycontin, serotonin, dopamine and other hormones/brain chemicals with you.
... and also incurring several episodes of embarrassing myself, such as grinning at my phone sheepishly in public from your texts, blushing in your presence, and the inexplicable raise in my blood pressure/heart beat.
You might find yourself sneezing frequently as you occupy my mind just about 24/7 - thought it would be fair only to inform you of the risks involved. (in fine print: temper tantrums, bipolar, incessant need for security and reassurance, penchant for your voice, and meetings are an absolute requirement)
I will be anticipating our next date to confirm your acceptance.
Yours sincerely,
x
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