Back home

Jesus I think I need to lay off caffeine - barely had a 2 hour nap on the plane after 72 hours of wakefulness.
/edit: make that another 12

And that is exactly why shit hit the fan.
I tried to do something stupid (what's new) while bulldozing down 4 weeks worth of diazepam and a can of beer. Then BAM SUDDENLY I AM SUICIDAL.
I know myself well enough to know that though I do relapse occasionally into self-harm and the lack of said cathartic act had moulded my moodswings into whole new insanity and with much annoyance, to my friends.

I VERY. repeat. VERY. rarely act on impulse on suicial thoguhts. Usually I just write something that sounds like Twatlight fantasy (embarrassingly true) on this space/Twitter.
I guess it is indeed difficult to handle me. I admit I do have an abrasive personality and my lack of recognition for regular medication did little to improve my condition as I rushed through a mess of a June - massive debts, relapses, guilt, homelessness, typical teenager fighting with parents etcetc

But alright. No more excuses for my behaviour then. I just received my official diagnosis after a 5 day stint as an in-patient in IMH after getting my stomach pumped/urine tested (I assumed, I have vague segments of what happened but nothing really explained why I was carrying a basket and red bedroom slippers)

I am a mess. I've always been. And there are some things I have done which I myself have considered as selfish and cowardly, but if you yourself had been where I've been, the pressure of deportation and an expectant Asian grandparent on the death bed could've pushed you to such extreme self-surival instincts,

What I do not understand was the anger from the non-sufferers - yes, I tried to kill myself by overdozing and planning to leap of 11 storeys. But how will your anger benefit us? Our friendship of years. I'm not saying you don't deserve the right to be upset, you have every right to be. But you've lived lives more pampered than I had and you don't have the genetic coding that puts you at higher risk from suffering BPD or bi-polar.

.... and I hate to admit this, you are smarter than me.

I hope my departure from your life would be beneficial for you - because me? I am hurt by your words, and I miss y'all very much.