I will pack my bags, just to stay in a corner of your heart
I will leave this man, just to occupy one minute of your day
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And that's exactly what I did. Because of my emotional weakness. The man I have been seeing on and off for 3 years, the man who tried to win my heart, the man who left me hanging, the man whom I loved more than I can describe, the man who had a girlfriend but I braved imminent heartache and went with him anyway (let's discuss my lack of morals another day), tonight, he came back, holding my hand, begging me to go back to him. For the first time in these years I said no. Finally I had the courage to say no. To stop dragging myself into that mess of a man he is, to stop torturing myself, to stop loving him, to move on and let it go.
When she said you were here. And I turned around, in utter shock, speechless, we hugged and said hi. As friends. I was inches away from a frayed sanity. Then throughout the night, I secretly kept a watch for you from the corner of my eye, desperately wishing you would be looking at me, see my fragile moves, my broken smiles, the fake happiness the alcohol gifts, the grief in my eyes, the regrets I tried to swallow, the guilt that clung onto me like a sickness...
When the sun began to rise, you told me, "I hope you are really doing alright. At least not affected by me." I felt the tears prick the back of my eyes, and like the past 3 days, they refused to leave. The hardest tears to wipe away are the ones you could never shed. This pain paralyzed me. I don't know if it was because he has been the most amazing person I've met, or was it because I am still shaking from my mistake, my relapse, how I single-handedly ruined this beautiful thing.
Just as I was torturing myself with images of you, looking for echoes of your fingers in the things you touched, how I didn't ask you back for my things because I was hoping to reconcile even though generally I never gave second chances. I want to wake up to you again so badly that it aches, my chest is constricted, breathing was difficult (ok mostly due to the flu I think)
If you want to leave, please don't come back to me. Don't come back at all
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