We're not the same dear / As we used to be

Couldn't resist reactivating my Facebook (my hopeless enslavement to social networking sites and technology is pathetic) and I chanced upon your profile on Most Recent updates - technically a post on your tumblr -

I left you alone when you needed me most.but you didn’t really need me around anyway. - Posted at 11:29pm

It's as if being left didn't sting enough. To add insult to injury was the misconception that I never needed you. It was like being mistrusted.

.

I'm speechless. It was as if on cue tears swelled up behind my eyes, dripping steadily down my cheeks like a leaky tap. It was less than a month to the 5th year of our sistership. I've tried to love you the best way I know how, but you know, how over the years I grew distant because I've been broken so many times, we each led our own lives, consumed by trying to survive the last years of adolescence and enter the coldness of adulthood.

Don't leave now, because I may never love again, and then we'll think of each other mournfully and the memories of us will just seem like washed out dreams. Because apathy is catching up again and it's carving my heart a cave of ice in this barren frigid land overrun by diseases and deception.

All I needed was time to make us right again but time will destroy us. No, time destroyed us. It eroded us. No, it eroded me.
It's so hard to give up your family, much harder than giving up friends.

Just as I was getting better, just as getting out of bed every fucking morning was easier with the Effexor shit just has to hit the fucking fan and now I just want to stay in bed and fucking curl up in a ball and cry my fucking eyes out and watch sad movies, torture myself with sad songs and slice up my fucking wrist and smash my knuckles into cement and stop eating or going out or smoking.

I know I need to stop indulging in this maddening sadness but it's just so fucking easy to drown in your own mess isn't it? Fuckfuckfuck