Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved

Every breath cracks my ribs, every blink swims in tears and my teeth are embedded in my lower lip to stop it from trembling.

The pain settles into my life through fragile disbelief. I fought to reject it, but it evaded every centimeter of space like dye in a glass of water, tainting and changing, bonding with the materials of my heart. It overwhelms me, blotting out everything else, and I was clutched in its suffocating embrace.

I know it's a lot harder on his girlfriend and families, but I'm not as strong as they are. I don't know how to cope with losing a loved one in this... level. I can't deal with losing three important people close to my heart in a span of two months. The stress level at school as we begin the final sprint towards assessment in a month's time. The fraying edges of my sanity.

I've always thought I've seen a substantial amount of horror and ugliness of this cruel life, but it seems like it just gets worse. Greater pain followed every year like a shadow, dark, brooding, ready to cut me open. Each time I break and heal I thought I'd be stronger but I grow weaker and more intolerable.

I feel... hollow. Like an empty room, shuttered and dark. I'm so tired.