Withdrawal

Being away from the internet has been an even more tramautizing ordeal than the one I went through on Monday night. The weekend was a foggy mess of hallucination and hazy figures and smokes and millipede/centipede invasions, where ants and all sorts of Fear Factor creatures creeped over my room and dominated my clothes, my bed, my floor, my body.

Still, the numbness in my soul brought me no fear for such insects but instead repulse. I think I'm going to catch a cold from the ice in my soul. There were 3 day infatuations, lusts for flings of the past, brushes with old flames, friendships grew stronger from my spiral into the darkness again.

I just seem to lead such an extreme lifestyle, thriving in chaos and trouble. I sought not those trouble, but they find me, and I'm unintentionally drawn to the sweet fear of the forbidden and illegal. I fought to battle the temptation, I used to, but in a moment's decision to reward myself for good behaviour, I spun out of control. My discipline could never last long, and at last, I disappoint my loved ones yet again.

Sometimes I feel like a burden to my friends: always watching over me, hoping I wouldn't suddenly off myself or hurt myself or get broken by other people. It is unfair for them to be so strong for me, to watch me fall from my invincibility into this state of vulnerability of an infant. I swallowed sickly the angry tirades from my impulsive decisions, when I only sought console and comfort from the mistakes I made - that was when I realized they were tired of my antics. And shouldn't I be too, indulging in this horrifying disease for years? I found so much fear in happiness. Like I would be safer in my world of pain and sadness.

Yet I desperately, ironically, wanted to recover from this. I can't forever be like this, unable to substain relationships and friendships, breaking apart other people's lives because of my own selfish desires and fears. I am determined to fight hard yet I kept failing and failing. Maybe it's really time to give up, but I'll think it over this time with a more rational mind and clarity.

"Shatter my heart so new room can be created for limitless love." --- Sufi Prayer
What if I am too cold and heartless to love any more?